Wednesday, February 05, 2014

{suddenly}

Wild Country by Wake Owl was playing on the radio. I turned it up so he'd be able to hear it through my winter jacket. It was 32 below and I'd forgotten to wear mittens. Barclay was driving; I was hunched over in the passenger seat wishing away red lights. It was 1:30 AM and I had a banana in my pocket in case I got hungry. We arrived, parked, picked our way across the ice, speaking in reverent whispers as though we were walking through a cathedral instead of a parking lot.

Every second and every step and every word felt strange because I knew that Something Big was about to happen and I knew that it would change everything and that I'd look back on those seconds and steps and words as Before.

We held hands, I caught my breath. I forgot, for a second, how to breathe it out again. We climbed the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Barclay held my head in his hands as we paused in the stairwell. I was smiling, but I was scared. My heart was pounding in my chest and I imagined the second, smaller one in my belly was doing the same. Did he know something was happening?

I didn't know what to say to the nurse at the front desk. I felt bewildered, even though I'd known this night was coming for months and months now. "Hi, Um." I chewed furiously on my bottom lip. "I think I'm going to have a baby."

And then the night melted away as though it were made of ice cubes and snow instead of minutes and hours. And then someone said he was coming, and then I heard him, and suddenly there was only one heart in my body. The other was being placed in my arms in the most perfect, tiny package I'd ever seen. And I cried.
 photo IMG_8303_zpsac82cb19.jpg  photo IMG_8299_zpsd4d348a2.jpg  photo IMG_8297_zps38d8dd58.jpg We've named him Sullivan Barclay Krause. He was born on Tuesday, January 21--one day early--at 7:39 AM.
 photo IMG_8482_zps9f71618e.png He's all tangled up in my heartstrings. His little face is still brand new, but already so familiar that I picture it instantly every time I shut my eyes. I'm beyond 'happy' or 'thankful'.

I'm somewhere without words.  photo IMG_8571_zpse6e9af0a.jpg  photo IMG_8568_zps88ebe9e4.jpg

46 comments:

  1. Yeah!!!! Good job finding the time to post. Hope you didn't give up a nap to do so! He's just as adorable in real life as in the pics. I can't wait to watch him grow and you two be parents. :)

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    1. haha i actually did go without a nap yesterday morning. i just woke up itching to write something, and it overrode my need for sleep. even though i only got about 1.5 hours that night. oh that writing itch.
      also: i just polished off yet another blueberry muffin. i can't stop. they are too amazing.

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  2. Look how interested his little face is in Barclay's big face! haha

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    1. yeah, he's pretty fascinated by barclay. he can be screaming bloody murder and all barclay has to do is put his hand on sully's belly and he stops and just stares at him. it's magic.

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  3. I'm sitting here sobbing and I was trying to figure out what to write.
    Because this is such a beautiful miracle and he's so completely perfect and you said all the things as I've never heard them described before.

    I'm just so happy for you.

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    1. thanks so much sarah. :) you're so so so sweet.

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  4. Aww he's adorable, congratulations!

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  5. AHHHHH omg. I can't believe how beautiful you guys all are. I've been eagerly anticipating this post and of course you didn't disappoint :) He's so perfect. Congratulations.

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    1. hahaha thank you! YOU'RE NEXT.
      get pumped.

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  6. Congratulations! I am so full of joy for all of you. xoxoxoxox

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  7. The way you say "and suddenly there was only one heart in my body" makes me tear up. Such a lovely, apt description of it all. And now the adventure of Sullivan Krause begins!

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    1. the adventure of sullivan krause!
      i'm excited. :)

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  8. Congratulations Suzy & Barclay! :) He's adorable!! :)

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  9. congratulations! he's beautiful!

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  10. These are precious memories and I'm glad you could share them! Congratulations and enjoy being a mom!

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    1. thank you, i'm enjoying it quite a lot already, sleep deprivation and all! :)

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  11. *blinks back tears* I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU! HE IS BEAUTIFUL! And you, my dear, look radiant. I am so happy for you and Barclay, and so so happy that lil Sullivan has entered the world!

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    1. thank you!!! we're pretty happy too. what a ride. :)

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  12. Great song, awesome writing.

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  13. :''
    {i'm here without words too}

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  14. Aaah congratulations! So happy for you guys. I know you are going to be a great mom (it somehow feels weird to say that, considering we aren't besties and well.. I haven't ever talked to you.. but still.. I do believe that). Enjoy the small moments and new adventures :)

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    1. you're so sweet. it's not weird. we've been blog friends for years now! haha, and thank you!

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  15. He's absolutely perfect, Suzy.
    Congratulations...

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  16. Oh Suzy I'm so truly happy for you and Barclay!
    And he's really beautiful.

    Congratulations

    stephanie

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    1. thanks so much stephanie!! :)

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  17. I don't even know you really but I just feel like you're going to be the best parents ever. He's superb.

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  18. Suzy, this is perfect. I am SO so happy for you three! THREE! He is so cute! I adore those pictures of him looking at Barclay. Precious. So incredibly precious. Congratulations again! <3 <3 <3

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    1. thank you!!!
      yes. three. WIERD.

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  19. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. He is wonderful and you look beautiful. Makes me miss the baby days some. Not the not sleep of course. Congratulations!

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    1. hahaha, yeah, i don't think i'll miss the not sleep either. but the rest of it is pretty incredible. :)

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  20. Best birth story, best pictures, best everything. My heart is full. You did it, momma. I am thrilled for you.

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  21. Oh my gosh! I just found you and I LOVED this. Thank you so much for sharing.... you are such a great writer! He is beautiful, as are you... time will fly. My little guy just turned 6 and it feels like just yesterday he was born. Enjoy every moment.

    New here... so glad i stumbled on your blog :)

    XO

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    1. thank you so much jacy! :) i'm totally enjoying the ride.

      (i just looked down at him sleeping beside me. i can't picture him being SIX. yiikes!!! DON'T GROW UP, LITTLE BOY.)

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  22. oh suzy, i just open my mail a few minutes ago and i just read this feed!
    congratulations for you and Barclay. he's just perfect. i could cry too. so so happy for you. what's his nickname?

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    1. thanks niken!!! his nickname...i call him sully sometimes! and stinky. :)

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  23. Congratulations! I am beyond happy for you and Barclay - Sullivan is totally sweet and adorable!

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say things. all of the things.